The Overshare #10
Cooling blankets, meltdowns, and a silent writing retreat
Woohoo we made it to newsletter #10! Nearly a year on and we are still doing the thing. Thank you for sticking with us.
The Overshare is broken up into seven sections: Listen Up–for all things auditory and musical, All The Feels–for sensory gadgets and neurodivergent products we are loving, Off The Shelf–bookish things including what we are reading and upcoming events, Uh Oh–life disasters, bloopers and social mistakes, Leaving The House–pretty self explanatory, Who Put Me In Charge–challenges in parenting, executive functioning, and life admin, and Scratch Pad–to share new writing bits and pieces. Let’s do it.
Listen Up
Anna: I’ve braved so many things in the last two week (pats self on back) and one that has helped me a lot is the Psychiatry and Psychotherapy Podcast. It’s aimed at mental health professionals, but I have really learnt about the relationship between client and psych, and how it *should* be. This explains where my own therapy over the last twenty years has gone well, and why it may have not on many occasions. Knowing about the therapeutic alliance, attachment, microexpressions, and the sensory/brain connection has been mind blowing. I’ve reached out for a new psychiatrist who mentions all these things on his website, along with a special interest in ADHD, autism and trauma - wish me luck!!
Kay: Ooh I love the sound of that! Good luck. I am binging a new podcast at the moment, although school holidays never allow for a lot of free time. It is called Sad In The City and it’s by an American comedian called Taylor Tomlinson. It is nothing groundbreaking, but I watched her Netflix special recently and enjoyed her comedy on mental illness, grief, and trauma. Did I make it sound super funny? Because she is very funny. To me anyway!
All the feels
Kay: After borrowing one from a friend to trial, we splashed out and bought a Possum Play Couch for A’s birthday. We had the loaned couch for a couple of weeks and it was used every single day, particularly after school. It helped with sleep and general mood. She was just happier, because she could jump and climb and move in so many fun, new ways. They are very expensive, and from what I can tell, one of the cheapest of the play couches available, so I know they are not accessible to everyone. They can be claimed through NDIS, which is amazing, but we do not have enough equipment funding for that. Still, it has been so worth it for us. The combination of the sensory swing and the play couch is the best. I feel like we have levelled up as a neurodivergent household.
Anna: We have ordered our second cooling blanket - not a weighted one! Just cooling and so crazy soft that my daughters were fighting over the one. I don’t know how it will last over time and washes and Teddy the dog, but for now, it’s been a wonderful sensory relief to cuddle up with. Some stitching is coming loose (the quilty kind, not the edges) but we do put then through a LOT of stretching and general chaos lol.
Off the shelf
Kay: In terms of bookish news, I have an online event coming up later this month with Voices On The Coast. Brisbane Writers’ Festival is around the corner too, with Love YA Day on May 7.
In the meantime, I am doing a call-out at the moment to include some autistic kids’ voices in my upcoming 2023 non-fiction book. If you are a parent or carer and think your autistic child might like to be included in a book, please read on. These are my questions:
What can you tell me about love? Who/what do you love? (People, animals, special interests, tv shows, anything!)
What is autism? What are the best bits of being autistic and what are the hardest parts? What do you wish more people knew about being autistic?
Responses will be attributed by first name only, and pseudonyms are find. My email is hello@kaykerr.com so please send responses there. I am keen to include non-speaking kids and their interests too, so email me if you want to discuss that further. This is an Australian publication so it is a call out for Australian autistics only. Thanks everyone. I can’t offer a fee but if you include a postal address I will send some fun mail as a thank you.
Anna: I’m currently reading a super secret script for a friend writer / publisher, so I can’t really say what I’m reading!!!
Uh Oh
Anna: I did the birthday party thing. It just all feels like an Uh Oh but I can’t really see it yet to write it out. Instead, I’ll say uh ohhh I’ve become obsessed with another of my daughter’s TV shows. Steven Universe. It’s written by a non binary person and has the most amazing relationships and just general vibe. Did I mention the music? Click all these links - he’s grown up a bit here, in the movie. YES THERE IS A MOVIE TOO. Estelle sings like, I mean, we are all obsessed with Garnet. Big queer vibes in a child appropriate way. Drift Away breaks my heart every time, in a neurodivergent way; the loss of a friend who didn’t notice you in the first place. Therapeutic. I am listening to it right now, an adult, at her computer… listening to this animated show’s songs. Hahaa uh oh, I never really did grow up.
Leaving The House
Kay: I went away on a solo writing retreat for three nights, and I have to say it was really insightful in terms of reflecting on how much my brain needs regular breaks from verbal communication. It is something I want to read more about, and ask my psychologist about, and think on a bit more. Sometimes being talked at when I am not up for it can feel like someone banging very loudly on the front door while I’m down the back of the house working on something else. No unscheduled visitors thanks! It shakes my brain like a snow globe, and then I need to wait for everything to settle.
Anna: wracks brain, have I left the house…? I went to the hair dresser! And not only that, I went to the supermarket afterwards. To do two things in one outing is a lot for me as I burnt out quickly both mentally and physically. My youngest child was with me, which motivated me to do more so she would have both food and the feeling of having ‘done something’. I filled my arms with random stuff. This is is also a trick to no overdo it - no trolley. The trolley will be hard to maneuver and increase post-outing pain. I’ll also fill the trolley with wonderful things and then have to put them in the car, then get them into the house, and then be ten times more tired. One arm load at a time is an achievement. I’m lucky that my kids now keep me grounded and focused when I go out… it wasn’t always that way. Segway to =>
Who Put Me In Charge
Kay: Oof, can we talk about when a child’s meltdown triggers an adult meltdown? Because I think this might be my least favourite part of being an autistic parent. It happened on the drive to school a couple of weeks ago, after a really rough night where not much sleep was had by either of us. Kiddo wanted to take something to school that wasn’t allowed to be taken to school, was the crux of how it started. I’m pretty flexible about what we can take to school–sensory toys and stuffed toys are fine because they are comforts and help with regulation. But this was something that was specifically not allowed.
Anyway, there was a meltdown, and my reaction SHOULD have been to stay calm, to reassure, to be loving and present and stable and all of that. In reality my brain went CODE RED, flooded with stress and full dysregulation ensued. At one point I remember thinking ‘I should just throw the thing out the window, then it will be gone and this will be over’… Because that TOTALLY would have helped :/ I did my best to repair once I had parked the car, to apologise and explain how and why I reacted that way. But it makes me feel like such a shit mum, and I hate it. I know the key is to keep an eye on all of the precursors, like rest and sleep and stress and food, but sometimes it just isn’t possible to have all those ducks in a row.
Anna: Oh my heart, Kay. Yes, we all have parenting moments where we don’t do what what wish we’d done. We get tired, and yeah I snapped at my daughter yesterday for doing what I’d been asking her to do all day. But she chose to do it when I was tired and busy and UGH. She cried, saying how she was trying to do what I’d asked. I felt like crap and pulled myself up and helped her, hurting and still snarky, but trying. I’m coming off cymbalta and being snarky to everyone, watching myself do it, and still not being able to stop.
Now we all get to forgive ourselves for these moments. We see them, we acknowledge how it could have been more peaceful or mindful, and we will try. But also, accept we’re human and fallible and still loving parents.
Scratch Pad
Kay: I am not working on anything other than the first draft I have due in August, so I still don’t have a lot to share. BUT, Anna keeps being the best at sharing here, so it is well and truly my turn. I do have an idea that has been pestering me for months to be written, so I am jotting down bits and pieces of plot and character and weird stream-of-consciousness stuff in my Notes App, to come back to once I have the time. It is currently called ‘Dysfunctional Family Christmas Book’, which I think has a great ring to it. I am a big fan of The Family Stone, This Is Where I Leave You, most Marian Keyes books–basically any time adult siblings are back under the same roof and shenanigans ensue.
Some random bits and bobs:
‘I surprise my parents with a visit at Christmas the way a cat might surprise its owner with a regurgitated furball or a dead mouse on the doormat.’
Also:
‘My autism diagnosis is new, and my daughter, sleeping in her seat, is new too. My parents know; Mum reacted to both in the same way. ‘Oh honey, do you really think that’s a good idea? You don’t need any more struggle in your life’.
It’s (going to be) about new motherhood, adult autism diagnosis, weaponised civility and toxic positivity, sibling dynamics and communication styles, neurodivergent cyclical thinking patterns, that kind of thing. Just gotta write it now…
That book idea sounds amazing Kay!
The book idea sounds wonderful Kay. I’m so grateful that by the time I’m a mother I’ll have books that represent me in them. I’m trying to get back into reading with “We’ve got this” currently.